The Psychological Effect of a Controlling Mother
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I’m writing this hub from a personal perspective in hopes of helping anyone else who might have suffered a similar fate and isn’t sure how to change their life. My parents were perfectionist parents and overbearing. Consequently, my relationships have suffered. I hope by sharing my childhood experiences, other people might realize a pattern in their own life, and be able to make changes.
I was born in Fort Lauderdale back in 1978. At the time, my parents had been married for nine years, and were on the verge of divorce. My mother had an abortion prior to my birth and after I was born by cesarean section, my parents officially divorced. My mother didn’t want me, and wrote a letter saying as much. The letter was addressed to my father’s parents, my grandparents, with whom she was leaving me. My father had decided that was the best course of action, but made an effort, with a few visitations during my first year of life, to be involved.
My grandparents gave me my first bottle in the hospital. They brought me home, and treated me as their daughter. Four years later, they adopted me. I remember going to the attorney’s office and being asked about living arrangements. I don’t remember my response, my grandparents (from here on referenced as my parents) told me I said I wanted them to raise me. The most I remember is the seat warmer in the secretary’s chair at her desk and trying to figure out how to turn it on. I was declared legally abandoned by the courts, and my parents officially adopted me. The birth certificate has their names on it, not those of my biological parents.
My parents made no effort to hide any of this from me. I knew from a very young age that I was adopted. Granted, I was adopted by immediate family, but I was adopted nonetheless. This really made no difference to me. My parents were the people raising me, not the people who gave birth to me. It was just a fact.
Growing up was difficult. I attended private, catholic school all my life including high school. I didn’t have any friends in elementary school and I was routinely picked on by bullies. I had an above average IQ, and was apparently “pretty” because adults told me as much constantly. This made me the perfect target for bullies, however.
In my heart, I didn’t really care that everyone teased me and called me ugly or fat (I was actually quite skinny). But in the back of my mind, it affected me. Despite my outward expression of self-confidence, I was only confident when I was by myself. I never had a sleepover and the only time I had a party was the pool party I had for a birthday I can’t even remember. The only part I do remember is only one person actually came. As I got older, things just escalated.
During high school, I had a couple of friends who were in the band. One of them was a witch and his best friend became my best friend. She was amazing. She laughed at all my jokes; she even helped me stand up against the bullies. My junior year, a new student started at our school. He was probably THE best-looking guy in the school and he became MY boyfriend. Strangely, no one really picked on me after that.
I was never the type to talk with anyone about anything, especially my parents. I kept just about everything to myself. This lead to my mom being so nosy she would ransack my room, including my garbage, to find out anything she could about my life. I tried to keep a diary, but she put a stop to that by reading it constantly. How do you stop someone from invading your privacy? You keep everything inside. Eventually for one of my birthday’s, my mom got me a diary with a combination lock on it, and promised never to read it again. She never did, not that I know of anyway. But I didn't really write in it anymore either.
This didn’t stop her from rummaging through my garbage, though. There were many, many arguments with my parents. Most of them entailed my mom yelling at my dad and I, while we sat there and stared at the floor. One time, she even threw out the Christmas turkey and then stayed in her bedroom all day. It was a common occurrence. I actually enjoyed these times since it was just dad and I. We’d sometimes watch Tom and Jerry cartoons and on the days mom wouldn’t come out to cook dinner, we’d have peanut butter sandwiches dipped in coffee. Dad and I were always close.
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Saturday mornings were bad. I’d be rudely awakened by screaming. Mom inevitably would be screaming at dad in the kitchen about things that happened 40 years ago. The screaming was amplified by the air conditioning vent so I could hear every word. My mom thought I slept too much because I “slept in” until noon or later. I wasn’t sleeping, I was hiding. The last thing I ever wanted to do was leave my room on days like that because the second I stepped foot into the kitchen, either I’d get dragged into it, or it would just stop and mom would act like nothing happened… to me. Dad would be sitting in the corner of the kitchen staring at the floor and if she had anything to say to him, she would say it in a tone that I can’t even describe. My only escape from all of this was the driving. Once I got my license, I spent as much time in my car as I could. It was my safe haven.
I became a smoker and tried a few drugs. I wanted an escape from life. I guess it was also a way of rebelling, although I never thought of it that way. I didn’t know how else to cope. Anytime I was home, I had to walk on eggshells around my mom. She was a ticking time bomb.
After graduation, I chose a little Baptist college in a tiny town, four hours away from home. Once I got there, I had a hard time dealing with all the freedom. My mom wasn’t hovering over me telling me to study, what to wear or how to style my hair. I was free. I knew my parents had a four hour drive to the school if they wanted to come and take me home. It was enough time to run.
My grades were horrible. So bad, in fact, I flunked out. I really didn’t care. I had met a man, and we were getting married. My parents found out and started driving up to the school. I ran. I knew they couldn’t find me if I went to my fiancé’s house. It was a huge ordeal, campus security got involved. I was informed about the legalities of the situation, which at 18, all I understood was that my parents couldn’t physically remove me from anywhere. They had put the car in my name, so they couldn’t take it. I was golden.
I got married to the man my parents hated and I got two dogs (pets were another thing I was never allowed to have). Six years after we married, we divorced. By this time, I had realized I married him to get away from my parents. There was no love there, and there never was if I’m honest with myself. Unfortunately, this separation forced me to call my mom and get her financial support to move into my own apartment.
I had a job, that paid enough to make the rent. The week I moved into my new apartment, I got a $3 raise. I was set. I had a car, (I had an accident and totaled the one my parents gave me) and I had my dogs. For three months, I did some soul-searching. I realized I had let my controlling parents run my life by running away. The relationship with my parents has never been the same. I became overly analytical to compensate for my mom’s irrationally emotional behavior. This has driven my life. I despise talking with my mom. In fact, I haven’t called them in well over a year, maybe two (I’ve lost track).
Controlling parents have a massive psychological impact on their children. They can strip their children of the ability to find anything satisfying in life. This is something that is virtually impossible to overcome. I’ve had to separate myself completely from my parents, unfortunately, in an effort to change my outlook on life. Talking to my parents only serves to reinforce the negative mindset I’ve worked so hard to shift. To many people, including myself, severing contact with parents may seem harsh and it very well may be. But, I have to do what is right for my child now. If not speaking with my parents gives her the life I never had, then so be it. I despise emotion. I really dislike affection. I refuse to let my daughter feel the same way.
© Copyright 2012 by Daughter of Maat ALL RIGHTS RESERVED
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Wow, it's nice to know I'm not the only one, although I wish no one had to go through that suffering. It's amazing how my childhood affected my adult life and how it made me who I am today.
Speaking for me, I've spent years trying to undo the damage. It's not easy and there are, admittedly, some issues I can't get past.
I do take comfort in knowing that at least my kids are growing up better than I did. I make sure of it.
I am sorry that you had such a difficult childhood. I hope that you are able to overcome it.
Thanks Millionaire! I think I turned out ok! I can't let my childhood control my entire life, so I've made it a point to live my life the way I want to. I enjoy spending time with my daughter and doing kid things (especialy coloring, I love to color!)But I hope my story helps others that may have not been able to move past their childhood like I did. It's not easy, but I want my story to let people know there is always hope, and you are in control of your life, no one else.
Daughter of Maat: Controlling parents are basically insecure. They use power as a means of manipulating their children. They are also immature as they view parenting as upmanship and a source of powerplay with their children.
Controlling parents, like their authoritarian counterparts, believe that their children are their appendages, not individuals with their own desires and wants. Of course, children of controlling parents develop low self-esteem and often becoming risk aversive. They also believe that they are powerless and personas non gratas.
You have presented quite a poignantly informative hub. In essence, controlling parents are just as virulently abusive as the more extreme type of abusive parent!
I wholeheartedly agree gmwilliams! I couldn't have said it better myself! Thank you for your thoughtful comment!
Controlling parents can be extremely detrimental to children. To the outside world they seem to be so caring because they are so involved but the child understands it is not about loving care but rather about control. Parents like this value appearance over everything else. I'm sorry you had to endure this! Thanks for sharing, Take care, Kelley
Thank you Kelley. I have to admit, I was sorry I had to endure it as well. But now, I'm not sure I'd have it any other way. If I hadn't gone through it, I would not be the same person and I really like who I am now. I've learned quite a bit during my contemplation of my childhood, and I don't think I would be as enlightened if I hadn't gone through it. That's the main reason I wrote this. I wanted to share with everyone that it can be done.
Thanks so much for your comment, I'm honored that such a fantastic writer liked my hub. :D
I can very well relate to your story! I have faced a controlling father all my life and know the impacts it makes.
The first pint I noticed and share is being a loner at school and picked up by bullies of all sorts.
Indulging in first love ( or infatuation ) just an escapism from the control!
I even was not able to handle the freedom when I moved 900 miles away to college and had no one to hover... result was... smoke alcohol and a mess... For someone who had excelled right throughout school ... a grade e or fail was a big one...
Your hub really points towards the notion that controlling parents really have an adverse affect over the brain chemistry of children for more than a major part of there lives...
Some like me and you can understand and come to terms or even move on with the fact... but some get trapped forever and end up bad..
I vowed to my self that I would not be a strict ass parent 'cause I am afraid to be one ... simple
A great hub!
I just read through your comment, nodding the whole time! lol It seems we have had a very similar childhood, and interestingly, most of the control came from the parent of the same sex (my mom, your dad)! I wonder, did you have more of a bond with your mother? My dad and I were best friends so to speak.
I've come to the conclusion (and this may be way off, it's just an opinion really) that those of us, like you and me, who have mentally put the control behind us, tend to have much stronger minds than those who, as you said, get trapped in it. It may be that we are more analytical than most. I tend to despise emotion simply because it's irrational (and for a female, me hating emotion is quite odd!) I prefer logic and rationale and that maybe the key to overcoming a difficult childhood. Personally, I can compartmentalize my emotions and separate them from my logical mind, or at least I like to think I can. I think that alows me to step back and realize my mom's control issues were her own. It wasn't because I was a bad child or anything like that. Her control issues were the result of her emotional instability which stemmed from a past hurt from her own mother. But it took a long time to get to this point!!
I, too, vowed not to control my daughter. ALthough, I catch myself every now and then with little things like when she asks why I told her to do something, I've said "because I said so." I'm trying very hard to correct this habit and I do it by pointing out to myself that she's simply curious, perhaps more so than I am.
Thank you so much for your comment. It was enlightening to say the least! :D
I have a controlling mother but I don't have a difficult childhood. Maybe because I accept my mother being a strict mom and view it as she is only a disciplinarian.
Rahul, I too went through a period of wild behaviour once I was out of reach of my mother. It takes time to learn what is good and what is bad for us without being dictated to. We have to learn for ourselves; it's just human nature.
But during that time I learned that time, I learned I had a lot more going for me that my mother would have had me believe. While I lived with her, she would constantly point out my deficiencies while extolling the virtues of her acquaintances' children. I never tried anything new because if I failed, it would just give her more ammo.
Once I was out of her control, I discovered I was better than I had been led to believe. I tried my hand at music, acting, sketching, in short, all thing creative. I didn't have outstanding talent in any of them but the point is I was free to try without being denigrated. I had fun and met lots of interesting and encouraging people. I hope during your time of self-discovery, you found new talents in yourself.
DOM, you may be on to something about having stronger minds. I too have developed an analytical mind and tend to avoid over emotional people. I tend to tackle things logically and am able to see all sides of a problem in order to find the best solution.
My oldest daughter has just moved into her first flat with her partner. She is a strong-will, independent young woman and I'm very proud of her. I like to think that allowing her the freedom to make mistakes and learn from them gave her the confidence she needed to start a life of her own. And, unlike me, she's happy to come home and visit with her Mom.
I completely agree with Daughterof Maat and Phoeneix here! According to your sex relating theory... I have my mom for my best friend.... She knows absolutely everything about me and is cool.. with every thing... OPff course she is my mentor too but I have given her the right to scold me... 'cause I know she will do that when it is required...
Also.. my father had issues with me because of issues with his father.. my grandpa sort of had an autocracy running in his family... Which laid down insecurities and complex down his line... and into my father too!
Coming Phoenix Now, I think you and I share common perspective here. As I moved out of my home.. I realized I could cook, Sing, Write and study different subjects which interested me and excelled at them... This was not the case earlier because of the reason you put of... the "unholy comparisons" and the " failure is new and limitless ammo" theorums...
I certainly think that we who realize, analyze and separate emotions and rationality... have an upper edge.. Some may think I am boasting here but I am just Pointing out a fact...
I agree with both of you 100% Phoenix, my mother was the same way, if I failed at anything (and failing meant not living up to her ridiculous standards) it just gave her fuel for future torment. In order to escape (besides hiding in my closet), I read, and read, and read some more, which is probably why I enjoy reading textbooks over novels! When I finally got out on my own, I found I had interests over a wide range of subjects. I found several hobbies like crocheting, scrapbooking, cross stitching, that provided a creative outlet that I didn't know I needed! Now, my outlet is writing, and I still love delving into my biochemistry textbook for hours on end.
I think the analytical mind develops in response to the overbearing emotional side of the parent in question (Phoenix's mom, my mom, Rahul's dad). Although, I'm sure we were predispositioned to prefer logic over emotion, the constant beratement of extreme emotion solidified the predisposition into an actual personality characteristic, which in turn made our minds MUCH stronger than the average person. (Interestingly, Vulcan's in Star Trek prefer logic and are taught from a young age to supress their emotions.)
And Rahul is right, many people think we are either over-confident or even conceited based on their first impressions of us, but that's truly not the case. In fact it's the complete opposite. But, because we approach every situation with an analytical mind, which many people do not understand (I'd hazard to say most people), we appear to be aloof which is often associated with conceit. This is unfortunate because we tend to take friendships very seriously, and would bend over backwards for someone we felt was worth the effort. At least, that's how I am.
Words come out so naturally and discussion happens when Similar minds meet hehe :)
I do not have many friends due to reasons you gave above. People like us set our own standards of friendships which is hard to be met I think! I believe our VULCANISM, is our strength, I believe personally, and the reason we can go on and on for days and weeks without the need of physical company
I my self.. work to my best efficiency when I work alone. i just need books my notebook and a net connect to keepo me going.. I can cook for my self and do almost everything I need to survive...
people Like us trace viable methods like writing, painting and other crafts to let our emotions and feelings flow and In a logical way we are content with the facts.
Beautifully said. My husband and I do not have many friends either. Actually, we don't have any at the moment. The last "friend" I had, we thought had our same level of integrity, but soon found out she did not. My husband needs social interaction more than I do, he tends to be more emotional than I. Personally, I do my best writing when I'm alone. Like right now, my hubby and daughter are asleep, and I've been more productive in the past 2 hours than I am during the day. I prefer to work alone. Mostly because my analytical mind tends to find the most efficient way of doing things rather quickly and most people can't keep up. I think that comes with the territory though, so to speak. And, as you said, I can go long periods of time without the need for physical company. I rely on no one but myself.
That's a great way of putting it, our creative outlets are how we vent our emotions. I despise emotion so much that I hadn't thought of my creativity in that way, but you're absolutely right. Creativity comes from emotion! So those people who say we don't show our emotions are actually quite wrong!
Great minds think alike! :D
Amen! To our levels of integrity and our standards of friendship, to people who were strict on us for without them... we would not be who we are
To new friends :)
Right on!! :D I think this conversation has inspired a new hub!! :D
Let me guess! The hub title would be : " The Restricted Minds and The Way they Redeem Themselves " ?
Perfect!! I was wondering what to call it! lol May I use your awesome title? :D
Will be among the first to read it for sure
It is amazing what some of us go through as children as still grow up to be rather well adjusted adults! My parents were both alcoholics. My dad had been in the Army most of his life and was very controling. My mom drank to put up with my dad. I was an only child and had few friends as no one would let their kids come to my house.
My parents fought constantly, lots of yelling and cursing, breaking things and kicking in doors. To this day, loud talking or banging noises unnerve me.
I ran away at 17, only to return for a short while after my dad almost killed my mom after beating her one day. I too have "analized" myself and try to overcome what my childhood has done to me. That is how we cope, I guess.
I married a good man who tries to understand my "quirks". We raised our daughter very differently and very rarely raise my voice. I can't stand to argue! I will just walk away.
It sounds to me like you have coped very well. I am quite a bit older than you, and will tell you that you will never completely get over your childhood, but you will continue to grow as a better person.
Voted this up and awesome. Have a very blessed day. Happy Mother's Day to you! :)
Thank you sgbrown! Happy Mother's Day to you as well! I also hate confrontations. Rather than confront someone, I've been known to avoid the person at all costs! I was also an only child and I think that has a lot to do with how I coped. When you have to entertain yourself most of the time, and have no one to vent to, you tend to come up with some really inventive ways to cope and pass the time. It really encourages independence and maturity, and that helps when trying to overcome the past.
Thanks for stopping by and voting up! Hope you have a fantastic Mother's Day.
I enjoyed reading this in a painful sort of way. I didn't grow up this way at all and so it was very informative. I have three daughters (and I'm still with their mother after 28 years)and am doing my best to be guiding and loving without the controlling. My oldest still calls me "Daddy" and kisses me on the cheek so maybe we'll make it to adulthood on good terms yet. I hope you and your child develop a warm relationship in whatever way works best for you!
Thank you torys Ten! I think if someone grew up that way, it makes it more likely that they will do one of 2 things: repeat the same behavior, or do a complete 180 and have no discipline at all. Balance is key, but it's really tough to master. I think if your oldest still shows you affection, you're on the right track. Personally I really want nothing to do with my mother. I miss my father though.
I also made the decision to limit my family of origin's contact with me. I made this decision while pregnant with my daughter - a phone call from my mother had me on the floor, unable to stop sobbing. My four year old son came over and patted me gently, trying to fix things. I quietly said that this would be the last time, and my little children would not be subjected to the insanity that I was. They tried the guilt, ect., but I drew the line for my kids in a way i was never able to do for myself. I didn't cut anybody off - I just wrote letters instead of answering the phone.
At some point, when the price gets too high, the loyalty comes to an end.
Thank you graceomalley. I, actually, needed to hear that. I was starting to feel a bit sorry that I had cut ties with my parents. But I too did it for my daughter. Whenever I would talk to my mom I would get off the phone and be in a horrible mood and inevitably she would get the brunt of it becasue she was the only one there (hubby was at work most of the time). I knew I was hurting her. My mom kept telling me that I had to leave my husband because he was no good, and I had to make my daughter the priority. Well, she was right, partially. I did put my daughter first and cut the ties with my mother instead of the husband who has bent over backwards for me. I was thinking of writing a letter, but I honestly don't know what to say. I've told her all of this before, but it goes in one ear and out the other!!
You're absolutely right, the price was too high.
My mother would regularly fly off the handle and start shouting and throw whatever was handy. I still get a knot in my stomach whenever I hear something fall to the floor or glass breaking. Funnily enough, confrontation is not an issue for me. I don't mind facing off with someone because rather than react emotionally, I analyze where their words are coming from and launch my offensive accordingly. Whether they end up enemies or friends is of no consequence to me as I'm pretty much a loner. My husband and kids are they only ones I really talk to. He understands and appreciates who I am and has never once tried to change me. My youngest daughter once likened me to a Christmas present; you don't know what you'll get get when you open it, but you know it will be something you'll like.
Torys Ten, it sounds as if you're doing all the right things if your daughter still has a relationship with you. My own father spent his spare time either watching sports, drinking with his friends or with his mistress. Sometimes all three in one day. I had no bond with him and when he died it meant very little. I don't even where he's buried.
Rahul, it never occurred to me that my writing, cross stitch and sketching were emotional releases. I know I do feel good when I'm doing them and a sense of completeness. Well spotted.
Ha!! Phoenix, I didn't realize it was an emotional release either!! But it does make me feel good and, like you said, complete, when I'm writing, or cross stitching or any of my other zillion hobbies.
I have to ask you (I'm assuming) you feel no remorse for not patching things up with your father before he died? I only ask because my parents are older (in their 80's now) and, recently, I've been thinking about how I'd feel if they died. I keep telling myself I'm not cold and unfeeling for thinking I won't miss them when their gone. I should say I won't miss my mom. My dad and I were close. I never really felt close to her, in fact, when she'd hug me (even when I was older like late 20's) I squirm and feel very uncomfortable.
My avoidance of confrontation comes from me wanting to avoid overly emotional situations (on their end, not mine) at all costs. I, too can analyze where (most) people are coming from, but they typically are very emotional, and my brain tends to run the other way. Interestingly, my husband say it's because (and this is going to sound cold and heartless to others, but you'll understand) I think the person suffering the overly emotional state isn't worth the effort, as if they're less intelligent because they can't separate their emotions. I think this is why most people think of me as arrogant, because I want nothing to do with emotion. (I hate that one time a month where emotion gets the better of me, which is right now by the way lol)
Oh and do you prefer counted cross stitch or printed? Just curious :D
DOM, I don't feel anything for either parent because I never bonded with them. They didn't seem to have any kind of bond with each other either. Our 'family' (for want of a better word)consisted of three people who didn't particularly like one another but were forced by circumstances to live together.
My mother was a powder keg with a short fuse. I was constantly walking on eggshells around her making sure I didn't say or do anything that would set her off. On the plus side, I became very good at sensing other people's mood and can adjust accordingly.
My father behaved as if he were still single with no familial responsibilities. On average I spend maybe 10-15 minutes a week of one-on-one time with him during which he was either drunk or hung over.
In short, I felt I was an unwelcome intrusion in their lives. The feeling was mutual.
Having said that, I did try a few times to reconcile with my mother. Things would settle down for a time and it looked hopeful but then the criticisms would start again and I realised she hadn't changed and never would. (btw, I couldn't stand her hugging me either.)
I understand exactly what you mean. I tend to shut down too when people let their hearts rule instead of their heads.
I went to an 'Insights' training where they type your management style according to colour. I'm a Blue/Red. Blues deal with facts and details. We don't do emotion. If anyone wishes to discuss an work issue with me, they need to get straight to the point, present me with facts, figures, projections and leave all inane chitchat at the door. Reds are take-charge types of people who want the job done now.
Off duty, I will listen and be supportive if someone is having a crisis, but I still cringe inwardly if they get all teary and histrionic.
Counted cross stitch, definitely. I've tried printed and while it was OK and turned out well, I feel I can get more creative with counted cause I can change colours and stitches without affecting anything. Enjoy your day.:)
Wow, we have a lot more in common than I realized!! It drives me insane when people are talking to me about something and they add in all these needless details that causes them to take forever to get to the point. If they get all teary eyed I catch myself saying in my head "oh come on suck it up, life ain't easy." lol I thought I was just heartless, but it's just my disdain for emotion.
Counted cross stitch as well. I love changing colors and making it my own. I've been know to change printed cross stitch patters as well though. You can cover it up by adding extra stitches here and there. :D
Have an awesome day! :D
I think Phoenix, me and you Melissa ... we are all Blue/ reds... As i read about the insight training Phoenix talks about... I straightaway wanted to be there... learn some practical and worth stuff!
Facts, figures, points,... Real Things to be precise in a both material and abstract way... are things of interest really... Getting the real deal on even my philosophies is something I appreciate better then getting flaunted and babbling about no where!
phoenix2327 Level 5 Commenter 3 months ago
This hub reads like it could've been written by me.